i am always happy

i wrote this at the end of senior year, so... it's not really what i'm writing now, but i think it's still pertinent.

i am always happy.

i always tell myself that because it is true. one day, i sat down and talked to myself i said self:

"shut the fuck up. you have

NOTHING

to worry about, really

nothing."

and that was that.

when i entered senior year, i became myself. i was still fat and gross and unpopular but i was totally fine with all of those things. and i could sense these positive changes in my life when i started to accumulate friends and i just started "hanging out" and it was the greatest feeling

this was around the time when i started drinking kind of heavily. i have never really been a badass about it. like

never, but it just seemed to help. a social lubricant indeed, but it did not seem to help my sex life, which was still

stagnant

i wonder why i was still so happy and at peace with myself. this inner contentment had come out of nowhere and just kind of taken hold of my life. it drove my parents nuts. maybe it was apathy, but i always thought of it moreso as an awareness that the universe had a place for me. it was funny, it was like saying in that i was special in the same breath as saying that i fit in perfectly;

because i really did.

but not in society. it always bothered me that people who showed up alone to places became ostracized from society in general. i was (and still am) gregarious and enjoyed other people's company as much as anything else, but i was also pretty happy with being on my own, because it allowed me to really think about things and listen to music

and that was always fun.

i think something that really unnerved people was my attitude towards death. i see all life as working towards death because as camus wrote it is the only absolute (i am paraphrasing a little)

i wonder if at this juncture in my life that these feelings of apocalypse and death exist because of this lack of connection or grounding in the society of my fellow men

is it because i do not have any close connections in my life that i feel so free? and i guess that if something happens that pulls me down that i will care about ADULTHOOD,

that big title thing that everybody seems to be waiting for

waiting for

taxes and insurance and housing mortgages and banks and the economy and medical liabilities and i just want to be healthy until i die

unbearable lightness.